Self Portrait Painting - Time Lapse

I haven't done much painting in ages so I really wanted to do something and I've made it into a short video to watch on YouTube! Take a look...

Bye for now! xxx

Unfullfilled days

The past few days, which are turning into weeks, have been lazy. Unsatisfying-ly lazy.

'I don't know...' is becoming a standard start to every sentence I think, speak, act upon. I don't know who I am, where I am, what I'm doing. I'm just not with it at all. I'm waiting for the moment I snap back into reality but I don't know when that will be.

Confused.

So I'm trying to take each day at a time but my brain likes to wander and think ahead.

I'm unsatisfied with how my life is going at the moment. I want to be doing more with it, but I just don't know how. I want to do silly things like have the opportunity to dress up in nice, new (well, new to me), quirky outfits, and create excessive amounts of art that I don't even have enough wall space for them to occupy, and relax reading all the books I've wanted to read and books I don't even know I want to read yet.

Easier said than done...

Bye for now!! x

Charity shopping (thrift shopping) madness!

I've not been feeling great lately and something that I have done a lot of is watching YouTube videos. I watch YouTube videos daily anyway of different YouTubers that I subscribe to but I recently stumbled across The Fashion Citizen again and, although we don't have any kind of Goodwill or another huge thrift store in England, I have been so keen to go charity shopping. Retail therapy is the best kind of therapy, especially when you're getting a bargain! 

You are going to have to keep a very open mind on what you see in this haul. On reflection, the clothing seems a little out there but, I think I can justify it all and with different outfits it won't look as mad as it seems (I may even post the clothes worn with an outfit if anyone would want to see that.)

This first thing I got was this coat (the first image shows more of a true colour). When I saw it in the shop I loved the pattern but noticed the hideous band/belt around it and thought I'd better leave it. My mum picked it up after me and was saying it looked good and noticed the band around the middle could easily come off (we think someone may have added it themselves). It was a bit big on me but at £5.99 for a really decent quality coat I was sure I would be able to make a few adjustments to make it suit me! (Pictures of the change will hopefully follow in another blog.

This coat you may question. The lining (shown on the collar) is hideous, the red and green is garish, and on top of that it's cord, but I kind of fell in love with it. It seems huge but when I tried it on it didn't seem that bad and I'm actually really happy with it. It will be worn a lot and I will make it look fabulous. Haha.

Here is a simple long top. It's very easy to see-through so I am sure to be layering it up. My mum found it and I really liked it. It's a crochet design with little beads threaded through it (I tried to show them close up but they're really hard to see). I will get so much wear out of this, especially in the summer.

The pattern on this dress caught my eye, along with the neckline. I am planning on shortening the dress as I will more likely wear it like that. Plus it was only £1! Bargain.

This dress is made out of such a gorgeous velvet fabric with some lace detailing around the neckline. My mum picked this one out for me and she also offered to pay for it which was very nice of her (thanks mum).

Here's another slightly outrageous item but I'm pretty sure that when I layer it up with some simple clothes it will make it look a little less over the top. My mum reckons I should change the buttons, I'll just wait and see if I can be bothered! Otherwise I will just have to make them work.

This belt is just something I spotted which, because of the different plaited colours, will add to any boring outfit. I know I will wear it a lot so I thought it was one not to miss.

Finally a few small pieces of jewellery that I gathered. The simple wooden necklace is great to add to an outfit, the yellow flowers are really cute and the bracelet was just something a little different that caught my eye.

I'm excited to wear all my new clothes and adjust a few, which I may post about on here.

Bye for now! x

One feeling explained

'My current life feeling' was going to be the title but now I realise that is too vague as I could actually write a book on that.

I was thinking about where 'home' is. (Where the heart is, I know.)

I don't believe I have had a home for a few years. I currently live in a flat and, to me, that is not a home as it is rented and it has an end period of time when I have to leave, making me unable to settle and rest.

I see myself and my belongings as hovering above the ground. This is just my mental image and feeling so it is a hard one to translate into words to make anyone else understand, but if you follow what I'm saying then, well done. I picture an image of myself and everything that I personally own floating just off the ground, perhaps a foot high. All of my 'things' are scattered around at the flat, my mum's and my dad's. If they were together in one place where I am too, and somewhere preferably permanent so there is no feeling of being unable to relax, then that would be home.

The floating feeling is so that I can hover and wait before the next movement. If I allow myself to relax I won't want to move, even if I know I have to.

Soon I would like to feel safe and in a home.

I hope this doesn't make too little sense. I am hoping to create a piece of artwork on it soon which may demonstrate the feelings in a clearer way.

Bye for now!
xx

This day of this month of this year

Today I had a seemingly simple and insignificant day but for me it was something to lose sleep over and kept my stress levels on high all day.

Today I had an appointment at the Royal Orthopedic Hospital in Birmingham. The appointment was to sort out a pain I've been having in my back for a few years now, so it was an appointment with intended positive results. Unfortunately, however, I find it difficult to think about these positive outcomes and spent the upcoming days worrying about the fact I was working the morning, leaving to go to my appointment that is about a 45 minute drive away, and then coming back for work in the afternoon. For me, having more than one thing planned in a day, unless they are distantly spaced apart, is a very daunting and stressful situation. I feel the need to plan the day down to minutes and seconds to ensure I don't miss anything, or let anyone down, whatever. I struggled to even sleep last night thinking about the exact timings of my day over and over again.

The reason I was having the appointment was for my back pain which, as I said, has been troubling me for a few years. I found out that the main reason it was troubling me was due to the fact I stressed too much and was unable to relax or relieve the tension building up. Stress and anxiety are huge problems in my life due to various reasons and the stress that today caused me shows just how easily little things can effect me. The silly/annoying thing is that it is all a vicious cycle because if I am stressed my back hurts more, if my back hurts it prevents me from doing things, including sleeping, and if I can't do things/sleep I become more stressed and around it goes with more pain and more stress.

The appointment was reasonably helpful and plans were made and I was given a book to start reading through. I have already started reading it and it seems interesting and I'm finding it very easy to relate to.

I'm hoping with the intended plans that will take place throughout this treatment that I will not only be able to sort my back issue out but I will also be able to be less stressed. All of which will have so many knock on effects.

My main motivation (other than feeling better both physically and mentally) is to be able to get back to doing my art which I am very passionate about (as shown through my blogging).

It turns out that today ran pretty smoothly anyway and there wasn't too much to worry about...

Bye for now!

Anxiety Undiscussed

I have just read this blog post and it has really got me thinking.

It made me think that I'm sure I already channel my anxiety into something, but it's not necessarily what I would like to be channeling it into.

I believe I channel it into where I work. I spend much time as I can there and I'm sure it's the money that is motivating me to do so, however, I also find it a place where I don't have to think I just do. I work each day and sleep at night and there is no time to think about other things. This isn't really helping me though. It stresses me more as working that hard makes me very tired which makes me more stressed. The worst part about the situation is not having a rest from it all, so I will have days at work where I just can't do anything, no will power allows me to do anything.

I wish I could channel the energy from my anxiety into my art. At the moment I have so little energy after I have finished work that I can't do any work at all. Let alone work with energy in it that I enjoy creating. It really has been a while since I created work that I truly enjoyed doing and have had a reason for creating.

This is only a small blog post. Maybe one day I will go more into my anxiety in a post. I find it a relieving thing to do and I don't know whether people read the posts or not but perhaps they do and find them interesting to relate to.

Bye for now!

It's the Little Things

Long time no write! (if that works)

So today started fine when I woke up and then gradually as the day went on it turned pretty crappy. Things that I won't mention here. By 2:00pm I was sat eating lunch and felt sick in my throat by how crappy I felt. I thought that was my day ruined and I just gave up.

Then at about 5:00pm something very small and seemingly insignificant just made my day feel suddenly like a good one.

I was helping a lady who I happened to have helped a few days before. Just before leaving (despite buying nothing) she felt the need to go to another member of staff, with my manager nearby, and tell her that I was really helpful both days she'd been there, that I was brilliant and whispered that I should have a pay rise. Well I went bright red but really couldn't hold back the huge smile creeping across my face. 2.5 weeks into work in the store and someone said that, it made me feel really happy considering I was having such a bad day. Amongst a couple of other things I felt much better about my day and I really just wanted to write this blog post because I wanted to say how easily something little can turn your day around.

I hope everyone is having a great day!

Bye for now!