Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts

Thursday, 5 February 2015

Unfullfilled days

The past few days, which are turning into weeks, have been lazy. Unsatisfying-ly lazy.



'I don't know...' is becoming a standard start to every sentence I think, speak, act upon. I don't know who I am, where I am, what I'm doing. I'm just not with it at all. I'm waiting for the moment I snap back into reality but I don't know when that will be.

Confused.

So I'm trying to take each day at a time but my brain likes to wander and think ahead.



I'm unsatisfied with how my life is going at the moment. I want to be doing more with it, but I just don't know how. I want to do silly things like have the opportunity to dress up in nice, new (well, new to me), quirky outfits, and create excessive amounts of art that I don't even have enough wall space for them to occupy, and relax reading all the books I've wanted to read and books I don't even know I want to read yet.

Easier said than done...

Bye for now!! x

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

The motivation is here! Where's the ability?

Things are not going well. I have all the motivation at the moment to create some art, all the ideas whizzing around my head at 100mph ready to just be put onto paper/canvas/whatever, but it's just not happening.

Why is it that I have the most fantastic idea in my head but I just can't produce that idea in 'real life'? It's as if the message sent from my brain to my hands just isn't all there and I produce something unexpected, and not something good.


The above is an example of something that isn't wrong but also isn't right. Everything I'm producing isn't wrong but also isn't right. It's good enough to sit in the back of a cupboard but not good enough to show anyone.

Am I feeling to much pressure?

Whatever it is, I'm really doubting my abilities and it's not a great feeling.

I think my brain just thinks I'm amazing but the truth is a little more of an average result.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

I need some help!

Bye for now! x

Monday, 12 January 2015

One feeling explained

'My current life feeling' was going to be the title but now I realise that is too vague as I could actually write a book on that.

I was thinking about where 'home' is. (Where the heart is, I know.)

I don't believe I have had a home for a few years. I currently live in a flat and, to me, that is not a home as it is rented and it has an end period of time when I have to leave, making me unable to settle and rest.

I see myself and my belongings as hovering above the ground. This is just my mental image and feeling so it is a hard one to translate into words to make anyone else understand, but if you follow what I'm saying then, well done. I picture an image of myself and everything that I personally own floating just off the ground, perhaps a foot high. All of my 'things' are scattered around at the flat, my mum's and my dad's. If they were together in one place where I am too, and somewhere preferably permanent so there is no feeling of being unable to relax, then that would be home.

The floating feeling is so that I can hover and wait before the next movement. If I allow myself to relax I won't want to move, even if I know I have to.

Soon I would like to feel safe and in a home.

I hope this doesn't make too little sense. I am hoping to create a piece of artwork on it soon which may demonstrate the feelings in a clearer way.

Bye for now!
xx

Friday, 24 January 2014

Should you go to University or not?


You've nearly finished your a-levels, work involving coursework and exams seems to be taking over your life - stress overload. It doesn't exactly make the idea of university sound tempting.

But university is more than just work, it's moving out for the first time, fending for yourself, meeting new people, spending a lot of money etc. It's a huge step.

I went through all the motions of thinking about what I wanted to do (art), deciding where I wanted to go (which for art meant doing a foundation course first), applying to the universities, getting in and then realising that it wasn't what I wanted to do. Maybe it was right that I went through all the stress of applying before I decided it wasn't right, but it did seem like an awful waste of time and stress meeting deadlines to then decide to not go at all. It took me a while to realise that rushing into going to university perhaps wasn't the right choice for me - it wasn't until I was talking to someone about how much I was struggling with concentrating on working for my a-levels (which is unusual for me as I always get my work done on time and I loved the subjects I was doing) that they told me that perhaps I was struggling because I was working towards something I didn't want to do and subconsciously I was trying to resist doing this. So I then decided I wasn't going. Or at least not in the foreseeable future.

I thought about it and justified it to myself like this; so I would go to university and get a degree in Fine Art. Then where would I be? I'd have this extra few words on my CV saying that I have a degree but that doesn't guarantee me my ideal job. And what do I even want to be my ideal job? A degree in Fine Art might not get me there anyway, despite my love for the subject.

So I haven't gone to university and I've started my adventure into the big wide world. Sounds scary but it's not at all because I've taken it slowly (very slowly). I have been lucky to have a lot of support from my family. They were a little disappointed that I wasn't going to university but they understood the reasons why I wasn't and supported that (with me telling them that I may go at some point in the future...). I knew I needed to get a job and was handing my CV out everywhere I could whilst also applying online and having little success. This made me think that it was important to build up my CV before I would be able to get myself a job. To do this I applied to do some charity work.

The charities I applied to work for were British Red Cross, in a charity shop, and for Asha Women's centre, helping with the art therapy there. I only starting volunteering for these charities in about September 2013 but I have learnt so much in absolutely no time. Not only have I been helping other people in a number of ways I have also noticed a huge change in myself. I have learnt so much about both of the charities and my contribution to them; working on the shop floor, in the sorting room, steaming clothing etc. at Red Cross and, understanding women I would never have met before, how to help them with art, teaching them techniques with art (using a gentle and relaxed approach in my teaching), learning to listen etc. at Asha Women's centre. As well as these things, I am having to work with the public all the time and my confidence has grown because of it which was something I really needed help with. I have also met numerous people through my charity work who are to important and valuable to me and my future.

As well as the charity work that I started last year, I passed my driving test last December and have recently managed to get a job. Both of these things are huge hurdles for me and are just adding to my confidence (without letting my head grow too much).

So what point am I trying to make whilst I ramble on about what I've been doing and the success I've had so far? Well, I'm trying to show that if I had gone to university I would never have experienced these things (at least for now) and the life experiences that I have already gained in less than 5 months means so much more to me. I would have gone to university as a bundle of stress and probably hit a wall and not reached my potential there anyway. If I decide to go in the future I will have at least been able to clear my head, be able to think sensibly and clearly and actually be able to go with a good idea of how I plan to come out the other side with a goal in life of what I want to do.

Basically, if you have any doubts about university then don't rush into it; it's not for everyone and it's not necessarily the right thing for everyone to go into straight out of school. Whatever you do, don't rush into it and don't let anyone else push you into something you don't want to do. They're not living your life, you are and you need to be happy with what you are doing.

Bye for now!

Please comment with any other points of view that you have on the matter, thanks!